This is me, right now, in prime blogging position. As you can probably tell, I’m a girl. I was born a girl. I grew up a girl. I have always been a girl. Why would I ever question it?
The problem is that I don’t think, act or dress like a girl…
… And I never have.
This fact worried me a lot when I was younger, say, in my early teens. I was worried that maybe I was transgender – a boy stuck in a girl’s body – and while this is something I have no problem with in other people, I don’t think it is something I could have handled myself. Certainly, it is not something my family would have been accepting of, which is an awful shame considering it’s 2014.
But the plot thickens, as I’m pretty damn sure I’m not a boy. At least, I’m no more a boy than I am a girl. The realisation that I didn’t fit into either gender bracket perhaps hit me even harder than the thought that I might be anything other than female. The confusion and unhappiness that came about as a result of my inability to relate to either grouping lasted until just a few weeks ago, when I stumbled upon this post. With a little bit of internet research, I discovered the definition of “androgyne” and realised that this is the closest anything has come to describing me.
I don’t plan on openly identifying as an androgyne, but knowing that the gender identity exists and that there are other people like me has made me much, much happier in myself. I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. My gender has had no effect on what subjects I chose in school, what I am studying at university or what I plan to do for a living when I have finished my degree. My gender has had no effect on the way I act or the people I hang out with. The only effect my gender has really had on my life is that period of darkness I experienced while I did not know what I was or what was “wrong” with me. For the sake of keeping things simple, though, I’m going to go ahead and continue publicly identifying as female because, frankly, I don’t have the balls to identify as anything else (pardon the pun).
Gender is nothing more than a social construction, and a fairly destructive one at that. There is no reason that the fact that I’d rather wear a suit than a dress, or rather play video games than go shopping, should have thrown me into such a downward spiral. The way in which we are judged should not be based on which pronouns we use to describe ourselves, but on the way we act in regards to ourselves and others. I am not saying that gender identity should not exist. It’s a way for people to define and label themselves, and there’s nothing wrong with that. All I’m saying is that it shouldn’t matter. But it does.
I know that this is a fairly pointless ramble. I’ve achieved nothing by writing this, but I would have achieved even less (if that’s at all possible) by not writing it, so here it is.