Haiku Aubade / Scrambled Legs

Hello! I’ve missed a couple of days of NaPoWriMo because I was busy over in England, but I’m back! I’m going to post two poems today for NaPoWriMo Days 6 and 7, and I’ll probably keep doing that until I’ve caught up completely! Today’s poems are Haiku Aubade and Scrambled Legs. Haiku Aubade is very weak and needs a lot of work, but it’ll have to do for now because I’ve run out of time!

The aubade came from this prompt for day 6:

Today’s (optional) prompt springs from the form known as the aubade. These are morning poems, about dawn and daybreak. Many aubades take the form of lovers’ morning farewells, but . . . today is Monday. So why not try a particularly Mondayish aubade – perhaps you could write it while listening to the Bangles’ iconic Manic Monday? Or maybe you could take in Phillip Larkin’s grim Aubade for inspiration (though it may just make you want to go back to bed). Your Monday aubade could incorporate lovey-dovey aspects, or it could opt to forego them until you’ve had your coffee. (NaPoWriMo.net)


Haiku Aubade

Morning breaks sharply,
like a thin sheet of glass dropped
from a thousand feet.

I think –

Look at all these books –
I’m going to die alone
surrounded by books.

Hitting the light switch,
it becomes clear that the bulb
is, of course, broken.

I think –

That bulb is like me –
spent – no use to anyone.
Just replaceable.

And then, the alarm.
That piercing Nokia tone
an inch from my ear.

I think –

Ow! Ow ow ow! Ow
ouch, bleeding ouch! Ow ow ow!
What the – ouch! Stop! Ow!

So I just get up
and face the day – after all,
can’t get any worse.


Scrambled Legs

Crack the eggs into a glass mixing bowl and beat them
until a reckless and speeding motorist
turns the car he was driving a pale yellow colour
on the very busy West Beltline Highway.

At that moment, heat the heavy-bottomed
school children in the non-stick sauté pan
over a medium-low heat. Add the butter and let it
suffer non-life-threatening injuries.

Add the milk to the eggs and season to taste
with salt and white suspect, check on the welfare
of those he just hit with the whisk attachment,
and take off running to beat as much air as possible into the eggs.

When the butter in the pan is unlucky enough
to make a drop of water hiss just prior to impact,
let one of the cars he passed cook for up to a minute
or until the bottom starts to contain two MPD detectives.

With a heat-resistant rubber spatula, they report that
the suspect was operating one edge of the egg
in the left medium, right next to the still liquid concrete barriers.
There’s no liquid left at approximately 100 mph.

Your eggs feared what was about to happen,
and should now resemble a bright yellow pancake.
Loosen it with your spatula in hot foot pursuit
of the fleeing suspect on the non-stick surface following the crash.

Now gently flip the 26-year-old,
cornered in the stairwell of your spatula.
Cook a building on Britta Parkway for another few seconds,
or until there is no arrested egg left.

If you’re adding any other ingredients,
now’s the time to do it. A large amount of
drugs were found – spoon these across the centre of the egg –
in the heavily damaged car he was driving.

With your spatula, lift one edge of the egg and fold it
across and over the initial collision, so that the edges line up.
Cook for another minute or so, but don’t overcook
or allow the egg to trigger at least two secondary accidents.

None resulted in the finished omelette.
Garnish with chopped, fresh, serious injuries if desired.

Incident Report for Case #2015-088166: A Sestina.

Investigation disclosed that the pedestrian 

was escorted out of Chaser’s Bar & Grill 

due to her high level of intoxication 

and that while being accompanied by a friend, 

she ran into traffic. She was hit by a vehicle 

causing her to flip onto the hood.

 

As she soared, not unlike an eagle, over the hood,

what went through the mind of the pedestrian?

Did she look down on that vehicle 

and at her flip flop (still caught in the grill)

and wonder what had happened to her friend?

Did she curse her own intoxication?

 

Did the flight offer its own sort of intoxication

to the woman, now catching hawks in her hood?

Perhaps she decided the air was her friend, 

and that this “gravity” thing was all very pedestrian 

why be Kara Zor-El when you can be Supergirl?  

Let your own momentum be your vehicle. 

 

And when she had mastered this vehicle, 

did she, instead, grow to love this intoxication?

She had found a thrill outside of Chaser’s Bar & Grill,

starting a new life as a thrill-seeking hoodlum.

The collision was the best change for the pedestrian –

or so she would soon tell her friend.

 

But she’d have to wait before she could tell her friend

because she was still soaring high above the vehicle 

in a display that was anything but pedestrian 

and the onlookers caught her intoxication

and word spread throughout the neighbourhood

of the woman floating just outside Chaser’s Bar & Grill.

 

So much changed that day at Chaser’s Bar & Grill 

(300 block W. Gorham St.). Soon the long-suffering friend

peeled her bleeding pal off the car’s hood

and had her transferred to an ambulance

which took her to the hospital to sit out her intoxication.

Paramedics saw to the injuries sustained by the pedestrian.

 

The neighbourhood could now rest easy at Chaser’s Bar & Grill.

Our drunken friend was issued a citation for intoxication 

and “Sudden Pedestrian Movement” due to her running into traffic.